I realized at precisely 3AM this morning that I am a "Frier" (Israeli slang for pushover, milquetoast, exploited by others - often with unusual relish by the formerly-exploited), only an authority and source of information for irrelevant, inexperienced, unchallenged experiential data on irrelevant, untested or outmoded information - much of which we'll just call Judaism. It's simply irrelevant - even primitive in comparison. ALL OF IT. And before I go further - "Judaism" simply does not take in Israel and all things Israeli - as close to the Jewish heart as they may be, they are Israel and Israeli things - they're their own grown beasts now, something Olim and potential Olim learn very quickly.

And at the same time, I'm just the obverse for religious Jewry; I am an am haaretz - a source of irrelevant, untested beliefs, suppositions and perspectives from "the goyim".

Olim experience difficulties - once they've sufficiently acculturated not to embarrass themselves in Israel, when they visit America. Neither is their home. Coming to Torah at the time and place I did, had JUST this effect on me. Due to family circumstances and personal experience, I had difficulty with the drinking, drugs and promiscuity of college, and thus survived with a measure of innocence intact. Coward...I had a responsibility to beat and pimp on the street my innocence, but didn't - and would you believe I actually suffer for it? Of course you would! Because you, reader, don't exist. I then foolishly craved proximity to Torah and the Divine, and thus moved to a bigger city than where I grew up and again didn't quite acculturate to IT'S ways, THEN I became religious at what is actually a LATE age, rendering me useless for everyone except as aforementioned font of neb-ness. Fucking prove me wrong. There, my first profanity in 7 years of blogging. Prove to me anyone sophisticated in anything finds me sophisticated in anything to be called sophisticated (and religion, to put it lightly, does not count). That anyone worldly and an insider to anything finds me a worldly insider in anything.

I'm this 'old', and manage to get out-sophisticated and "worldly"-ied by coeds, on knowledge and experiences that are truly useless in the short and long term. Long term shlong term. What's now is what matters, money, power, drugs, sex. Challenge me this isn't how the world works. Even the 'religious' worlds...as we see how riddled with wormholes and canals made by the flow and spread of the aforementioned Gang of Four.

The world is not run by and does not run on missionaries and converts as in times gone by, to ideologies and religions; it is run by matured, settled ethnic and subcultural, socio-religious/socio-secular enclaves that were indeed born of converts - as with Judaism - that then grew to 'adulthood' - as with the modern State of Israel, as with regnant Jewish Orthodoxy. I see in this an interesting way Jews have yet again influenced the world by introducing the concept of "ger", and then rendering it meaningless - Israel in introducing the concept of Oleh and homeland for Jews and in the end created "Israelis" and a homeland for them (many of whom, despite Jewish lineage and language, are not Jewish and have no interest in being so...), and then rendering it meaningless - with cruel, self-assured, self-defined pride. And GOD WATCHES ON.

All are struggling to form collective identities that exclude, to which you "just won't understand", can't understand, can't "convert" and be authentic, cannot belong. Even evangelical christianity has fomented an AMERICANism to itself, such that Southern Baptist missions exist in...Outer Mongolia?...AND GOD WATCHES ON...one can say religion offers transcendence from these enclaves, crosses such borders and aims everyones eyes skyward - but religion, Judaism in particular, is largely responsible for feeding them the delusion that identity and enclave have Transcendent significance and meaning...for example, once you say "a people chosen by God" - over time once a rubric forms in the aftermath, it's easy to let go of "by God"; once you put "flesh" and "sanctity" in the same sentence - even if you say "the flesh is sanctified by marriage - now you two kids go have fun" - you've left the door open for the notion that 'marriage' needn't be there at all. and why just "you two kids"?...

I took two Benedryl over an hour ago, and not a bit of drowsiness.Sleep, sleep, please come to me, and this time - I beg you God - take my soul and FINALLY leave an empty shell. God comfort my family and friends, and let the blog slip into the anonymity of the internet like every thought and hope and prayer I've ever made to You. You. AND GOD WATCHES ON. Just watches?...God, fucking prove me wrong. I beseech you.